By Paul Gueorgieff
Editor, Golfer Pacific NZ

Warning.

This column contains obscene language that may offend some readers. Parents, please warn your children.

Are you ready?

Here we go.

Slow play.

There, I said it. 

Slow play. Yes, I said it again.

My apologies but those two four-letter words are amongst the foulest in golf.

They are so foul that I have decided when I hit a bad shot in the future, I am not not going to say out loud one of those other four letter words. Instead I’m going to say out loud: Slow play.

But for meantime I’ll avoid those two vulgar words. I’ll just say not very fast play.

The subject of not very fast play came to the fore last month when a video appeared on social media of PGA Tour player Bryson DeChambeau taking two minutes over a 10-foot putt, which he eventually missed. 

Maybe he should have taken three minutes but two minutes is a long time for one putt. Try timing yourself on the practice green and you’ll see what I mean.

I did it at home in the living room one night and had to pour a glass of red wine to help fill in the time.

The DeChambeau video sparked many comments about not very fast play and the player was heavily criticised.

The criticism hit a nerve. 

At a press conference following the criticism, DeChambeau went on the offensive.

Before a question was asked, Dechambeau said: “Let’s talk about slow play, guys. Let’s talk about slow play. I’ll introduce this and talk about it.

“So here’s the thing, guys. There’s three other people playing out there, and I’m not the only one out there playing golf, right. Is that correct? 

“So, for example, let me give you one example, guys. Stevie Williams (caddie for Jason Day). I played with him at the WGC, right. Guess how long it took us to play that round, the third round? Does anyone know? Might want to go check that out. 

“Because we were on their tail every single hole playing with Jason Day and Stevie. A lot of it’s the caddies. A lot of it’s the other players. They don’t care about walking fast. 

“I play a different way out there. I take my 40 seconds that’s allotted, sometimes over, absolutely. Totally agree. It’s maybe five percent of the time. But I’ll tell you that it’s really kind of unfortunate the way it’s perceived because there’s a lot of other guys that take a lot of time. They don’t talk about this matter and for me personally, it is an attack and it is something that is not me whatsoever. People don’t realise the harm that they are doing to the individuals.”

Yes, it was a bit of a rant. 

DeChambeau’s argument was that the important factor should be how long it takes to play a round of golf, not how long it takes for one shot. He said he walks quickly between shots, others don’t.

Are you a not very fast player? No, of course not. Nobody admits to being a not very fast player. Yes they sometimes take their time over a shot, but, no, they are not a not very fast player. (Classic double negative there which reminds me about a joke).

But golf’s their living, I hear someone saying. They are entitled to take their time, I hear someone saying.

Yes, perhaps. But only perhaps. It is also a spectator sport and we can’t be bothered watching someone take two minutes over a 10-foot putt.

How much is there to work out for a 10-foot putt? Is it two centimetres outside the right edge or is it three centimetres? If you can putt to that amount of accuracy from 10 feet then you are already a great putter, you don’t need to know if it’s two or three centimetres.

Now for the joke.

Don’t use double negatives. They are a big no, no.